TRICIA'S TIDBITS

Are you ready for some football?

How 'bout them 'Boys?! (I know, I know, they lost, but bear with me!)

Ok, that about exhausts my knowledge of football sayings.

The Cowboys played and lost this weekend, so there are a lot of fans in mourning right now, and a lot of women who can't understand why their guys take this stuff so seriously. I know it bugs Darren when the Cowboys lose, but thankfully, he doesn't take a swan dive into the pit of despair the way some guys do. He hopes for the best and bitches when they lose, but he does realize that the sun will come up again. But there are guys who really do go crazy when their team loses. And I have friends who make their men feel silly by not understanding their pain, and worse, make fun of it.

They can't understand why their man sits in his La-Z-Boy and tosses his football in the air slowly, replaying in his mind each and every bad play of the game. They ask him why he insists on watching SportsCenter for the rehash of their team's loss. They tell him, "It's only a game!"

By the way, Kim Kardashian had her dog neutered.

So What's Love Got To Do With - well, there is no other way to put this - Balls?

Guys love balls. They love to throw them around, they love to run down field with them, they love to spike them. They loooove to display them, especially when it's a game winning ball. Because most women have never played sports, we don't get it. Of course, I'm talking about uncoordinated dweebs like me here, not women who have actual athletic prowess! The problem with men and their balls though, is women always seem determined to take them away, and we want them to be happy when we do.

We want guys to hold our purses when we shop. We want them to pick up their underwear off the floor. We want them to curl up on the couch with us and watch Lifetime all weekend while eating microwave popcorn. So when football season rolls around and our man suddenly becomes glued to the tv and espn.com, we want to clip those suckers off - if you know what I mean, and I think you do - and we want to do it in front of everyone so our superiority in the relationship is unquestioned. The problem is, guys aren't peeing on the carpet, so to speak, when they become obsessed with football. They are just in Deep Dude Mode.

DDM makes your guy tell you he's "going to have a beer with the guys", but in reality, he's really heading to a "gentleman's" club. DDM makes your guy not only NOT pick up his underwear, it makes him wear them an extra day or two to get them extra nasty for when you finally pick them up yourself. DDM makes your guy demand that you make him a sammich and get him a cold beer in front of the guys while they watch the game. That cackling and high fiving you hear when you deliver the food and beverage and leave the room? It's DDM.

I've been married a couple of times, okay, three, and if there is one thing I've learned, it's not to fear DDM. Men, try as we might, are really not domesticated animals. They'll go with us to Home Depot and look at carpet samples, they'll even hold our purses while we shop, but the truth is, what they really want to do is run around, run into each other, and play with a ball. So don't do what Kim Kardashian did to her dog and take your man's balls away. Just take mental notes of all the football food you provide from the first game of the season to the last moment of the Super Bowl.

Lifetime makes plenty of movies. Go Cowboys!